Blogger gets 4 years imprisonment for insulting Egyptian President

February 22, 2007

This might be a good idea to pass a law in the UK to make it a criminal offence to insult members of the Labour government, I think a sentence of 5 years would be appropriate unless the insult was directed at me then I feel the sentence should be a minimum of 10 years.


Have you seen this man?

February 20, 2007

Police are looking for this man who threatened a photographer with a double barrelled shotgun. He is suspected of being a war criminal. Anyone who knows his whereabouts should contact Yates of the Yard.


Prison crisis solved in one foul swoop.

February 19, 2007

It’s official, the Home Office is to be disbanded. However, I will not be joining the dole queue as I will be the Minister for Homeland Security. I will oversee the police, the fight against terrorism and immigration. The new Minister for Justice will be responsible for prisons, probation and the courts. I wish the new Minister for Justice well as he tackles the prisons and I hope that he will ensure that enough places will be available for my intended tougher stance against asylum seekers, immigrants and terrorists.

Gordon Brown is a tightfisted Scotsman, etc.

February 18, 2007

I have been busy trying to obtain the £1.7bn I need to build 8,000 more prison places, and the £44,000 per prisoner per year which amounts to another £352m a year. Gordon is being a real pain in the arse and has frozen the Home Office budget for 3 years. This will mean that I will have to make cuts in the budgets for the police, probation and immigration services. I have managed to get planning permission for a new prison on Merseyside, and meanwhile I will use two wings of Ashworth mental hospital to house 350 prisoners. I have not yet managed to get the planning permission for the new prison to be built next to Belmarsh to house all the muslim terrorists we will arrest as soon as it is built.

I have reached agreement with other EU countries to accept those foreign prisoners that we will be repatriating without their consent.

The way that things are going, I might have to turn Britain into one large penal colony.

The Millennium Dome, Holiday Camps and Telephone Boxes to be used as temporary prisons.

January 28, 2007

Desparate situations call for desparate measures. To ease the prison overcrowding, I have decided to commandeer the Millennium Dome and turn it into a prison for 800 inmates. The times people have referred to prisons as being holiday camps has given me my second idea, as holiday camps are only used during the holiday season May to September, I have decided to commandeer these for the months that they are not being used for holidays and turn them into prison camps. And, as the Tube Trains do not operate 24 hours a day, when they are not in use for commuters, I will commandeer them as temporary accommodation for prisoners. Finally, as most people now have mobile phones, telephone boxes stand empty most of the time and are not used for the purpose they were intended. Therefore, I have decided to cram three prisoners into every phone box in the country and have resolved the prison overcrowding crisis.

Plans about plans about plans and very little action…

January 21, 2007

Two things, not including Michael Howard, led me to think of the title for my article in the Sunday Telegraph today. The first was Bob the builder he can fix it yes he can, and it was the inspiration for “I can fix the problems…”. And, the second “but I need three years”, is how long I think it will take to make the Home Office fit for purpose. However, subconsciously, I was thinking about Tony and how long he might get for his part in the cash-for-peerages scandal when he gets sentenced.

As Michael Howard pointed out in last week’s Sunday Telegraph, it involved a great deal of hard work and long hours on his part to make a mess of his job as Home Secretary and the Home Office. When I came to this post, I identified that the problems go back to his tenure in 1997. Whereas crime went up under the Tories, it has fallen by 35% under New Labour according to how we interpret the statistics. Police numbers are at record levels and they are busy getting bogged down in paperwork and leaving policing the streets to the public. Asylum applications are at their lowest level since 1993, since we moved the goal posts and record these under a different heading. Thanks to David Blunkett the passport service is back on its feet and it is now like shopping at Tesco.

In July 2006, within 100 days of joining the Home Office, I published three reform plans setting out a route map, free of congestion charges, for the transformation of the Home Office. They included 8,000 more prison places (which Gordon Brown has scuppered), a 40% reduction in HQ staff by 2010 (we might not be in power by then), a commitment to making the Immigration and National Directorate an agency with a uniformed border staff and tough new powers. And in the seven months since then, we have delivered those plans. Real practical changes. But, this is not quite the same as saying we have delivered on those plans. This needs a bit more spin.

This transformation takes time. Nero said Rome wasn’t burnt in a day. As Issac Newton found in the Garden of Eden, if you shake an apple tree the odds are that a bad apple will fall. Every time I open a filing cabinet hidden failings and problems pop up. I keep saying to myself, discover, acknowledge, address and resolve. I have mastered the first and second, two out of three ain’t bad. I was not around when Michael Howard was responsible for creating the problems, but I take full responsibility for solving them. This would appear, if I fail, as though I am putting my head on a plate for David Davis…

I should not be judged on my past form in Transport, Health, and Defence, but on my present reform of the Home Office. As you know, Charlie Falconer has more titles than even Idi Amin gave himself, and because this reform gives him more power he is in support of my proposals. As a sideline, I have decided to open a dairy and move the sacred cows out of the Home Office and put them in a shed out at the back. No doubt some of them will wander off, and it maybe that we will be waiting until the cows come home for some of my reforms to take place.

Recently, the police have stepped up their dawn raids. Nothing must be ruled out if we are to properly protect the public and ensure that offenders are brought to justice and effectively punished for their crime.

Home Office’s new Spurious Crime Bill

January 17, 2007

I can reveal my plans to introduce ‘super ASBOS’, initially to target 30 top criminals. This new bill will give the police powers to target suspected crimelords without taking them to a criminal trial. Special courts will impose ‘super ASBOS’ without proof and just on the basis of the police stating that they suspect someone of being up to no good. These orders will cost approximately £40,000 per year to impose, this is at least £10,000 per year more than it costs to keep someone in prison for the same length of time, and it will cost the taxpayers another £40,000 per suspect to allow for appeals against the orders. Mobile phone users, those who engage in fly-tipping, and those who go fishing for salmon, trout or freshwater fish with prohibited implements will be the prime suspects. These orders are designed to target the ‘Mr Bigs’ of the criminal world.