Osma bin Laden’s sidekick to be deported

February 27, 2007

There is cause for celebration in the Home Office, because the Special Immigration Appeals Commission (SIAC) threw out an appeal by the radical Muslim preacher Abu Qatada and I can deport him back to Jordan. I am particularly chuffed because it is a test that shows my anti-terror policy is working. As you all know, Abu Qatada poses a threat to our national security. The Memoranda of Understanding has been agreed with Jordan, and they have promised that they will safeguard the rights of Abu Qatada upon his return. All governments honour their promises, don’t they?

Qatada changed his name from Omar Mahoud Mohammed Otham, who we know is Osama bin Laden’s right hand man in Europe. If I could predict the future, I would say that Qatada’s plane might have to be diverted because of bad weather conditions and therefore have to land in Cuba. The CIA pilot will have radioed ahead and booked Qatada a room in the Guantanamo Bay Hotel.

Of course, Mr Justice Ouseley who reached his judgment in my favour will now be promoted to Lord Justice in recognition of his fine service to protecting the public from terrorists. It is immaterial that we were able to use evidence obtained by means of torture. As they say, no pain no gain!

BTW, the plans to split the Home Office up are going ahead and we will be starting the radical shake-up early next month.


Gordon Brown is a tightfisted Scotsman, etc.

February 18, 2007

I have been busy trying to obtain the £1.7bn I need to build 8,000 more prison places, and the £44,000 per prisoner per year which amounts to another £352m a year. Gordon is being a real pain in the arse and has frozen the Home Office budget for 3 years. This will mean that I will have to make cuts in the budgets for the police, probation and immigration services. I have managed to get planning permission for a new prison on Merseyside, and meanwhile I will use two wings of Ashworth mental hospital to house 350 prisoners. I have not yet managed to get the planning permission for the new prison to be built next to Belmarsh to house all the muslim terrorists we will arrest as soon as it is built.

I have reached agreement with other EU countries to accept those foreign prisoners that we will be repatriating without their consent.

The way that things are going, I might have to turn Britain into one large penal colony.