Fighting a war on all fronts

March 1, 2007

I remember the Dictator General of the Prison Service, Will Feetly, telling me about the back stabbing from his Chief Officer, when he was Deputy Governor of Gartree Prison. And, that the militant Prison Officer’s Association, often posed a bigger problem for him than the prisoners. Similarly, I am having difficulties within the Home Office from civil servants who are being very uncivil towards me and my plans for a shake up. I am seriously considering calling in the Home Guard to put an end to this infighting


Osma bin Laden’s sidekick to be deported

February 27, 2007

There is cause for celebration in the Home Office, because the Special Immigration Appeals Commission (SIAC) threw out an appeal by the radical Muslim preacher Abu Qatada and I can deport him back to Jordan. I am particularly chuffed because it is a test that shows my anti-terror policy is working. As you all know, Abu Qatada poses a threat to our national security. The Memoranda of Understanding has been agreed with Jordan, and they have promised that they will safeguard the rights of Abu Qatada upon his return. All governments honour their promises, don’t they?

Qatada changed his name from Omar Mahoud Mohammed Otham, who we know is Osama bin Laden’s right hand man in Europe. If I could predict the future, I would say that Qatada’s plane might have to be diverted because of bad weather conditions and therefore have to land in Cuba. The CIA pilot will have radioed ahead and booked Qatada a room in the Guantanamo Bay Hotel.

Of course, Mr Justice Ouseley who reached his judgment in my favour will now be promoted to Lord Justice in recognition of his fine service to protecting the public from terrorists. It is immaterial that we were able to use evidence obtained by means of torture. As they say, no pain no gain!

BTW, the plans to split the Home Office up are going ahead and we will be starting the radical shake-up early next month.


Prison crisis solved in one foul swoop.

February 19, 2007

It’s official, the Home Office is to be disbanded. However, I will not be joining the dole queue as I will be the Minister for Homeland Security. I will oversee the police, the fight against terrorism and immigration. The new Minister for Justice will be responsible for prisons, probation and the courts. I wish the new Minister for Justice well as he tackles the prisons and I hope that he will ensure that enough places will be available for my intended tougher stance against asylum seekers, immigrants and terrorists.