Fighting a war on all fronts

March 1, 2007

I remember the Dictator General of the Prison Service, Will Feetly, telling me about the back stabbing from his Chief Officer, when he was Deputy Governor of Gartree Prison. And, that the militant Prison Officer’s Association, often posed a bigger problem for him than the prisoners. Similarly, I am having difficulties within the Home Office from civil servants who are being very uncivil towards me and my plans for a shake up. I am seriously considering calling in the Home Guard to put an end to this infighting


Zero Tolerance

February 28, 2007

Yesterday, I spent an hour doing a webchat question and answer session on the 10 Downing Street website. I quite like the idea of confiscating the mobile phones of those caught using them whilst driving, but what I would really like to see is the power introduced to ban them from using mobile phones for life. We intend to start using roadside cameras to spot those using mobile phones, in addition to more sophisticated tracking devices to hunt down these perpetrators.

I have realised that we have not gone far enough with the idea of bringing down the age limit from 21 to 17 years, in relation to the 5 year maximum jail term for carrying a firearm. Therefore, it is my intention to lower the age to 10 years and double the maximum sentence to 10 years.

I quite like the American idea of “Zero Tolerance”. I intend to introduce a minimum 20 year prison sentence for crimes such as graffiti (perhaps even extended to cover blogging), and anti-social behaviour. However, whereas the American’s are soft with their three strikes and you are out rule, which derives from the game of baseball, our national sport is cricket and you hit the wicket once and you are out. Therefore I intend to introduce “stumped”, you get one go and that’s it!

Our plans are well under way to introduce both the biometric ID card and new biometric passport. These will have your fingerprint and iris scans, and everybody’s photo will be fed into a giant data base which anyone in authority can get immediate access to. This identity management is intended to protect the individual from such crimes as identity theft, for example, in credit card frauds. We intend to use foreigners as guinea pigs in our experiment and very quickly extend it to everybody else.


Osma bin Laden’s sidekick to be deported

February 27, 2007

There is cause for celebration in the Home Office, because the Special Immigration Appeals Commission (SIAC) threw out an appeal by the radical Muslim preacher Abu Qatada and I can deport him back to Jordan. I am particularly chuffed because it is a test that shows my anti-terror policy is working. As you all know, Abu Qatada poses a threat to our national security. The Memoranda of Understanding has been agreed with Jordan, and they have promised that they will safeguard the rights of Abu Qatada upon his return. All governments honour their promises, don’t they?

Qatada changed his name from Omar Mahoud Mohammed Otham, who we know is Osama bin Laden’s right hand man in Europe. If I could predict the future, I would say that Qatada’s plane might have to be diverted because of bad weather conditions and therefore have to land in Cuba. The CIA pilot will have radioed ahead and booked Qatada a room in the Guantanamo Bay Hotel.

Of course, Mr Justice Ouseley who reached his judgment in my favour will now be promoted to Lord Justice in recognition of his fine service to protecting the public from terrorists. It is immaterial that we were able to use evidence obtained by means of torture. As they say, no pain no gain!

BTW, the plans to split the Home Office up are going ahead and we will be starting the radical shake-up early next month.


Prison crisis solved in one foul swoop.

February 19, 2007

It’s official, the Home Office is to be disbanded. However, I will not be joining the dole queue as I will be the Minister for Homeland Security. I will oversee the police, the fight against terrorism and immigration. The new Minister for Justice will be responsible for prisons, probation and the courts. I wish the new Minister for Justice well as he tackles the prisons and I hope that he will ensure that enough places will be available for my intended tougher stance against asylum seekers, immigrants and terrorists.


Gordon Brown is a tightfisted Scotsman, etc.

February 18, 2007

I have been busy trying to obtain the £1.7bn I need to build 8,000 more prison places, and the £44,000 per prisoner per year which amounts to another £352m a year. Gordon is being a real pain in the arse and has frozen the Home Office budget for 3 years. This will mean that I will have to make cuts in the budgets for the police, probation and immigration services. I have managed to get planning permission for a new prison on Merseyside, and meanwhile I will use two wings of Ashworth mental hospital to house 350 prisoners. I have not yet managed to get the planning permission for the new prison to be built next to Belmarsh to house all the muslim terrorists we will arrest as soon as it is built.

I have reached agreement with other EU countries to accept those foreign prisoners that we will be repatriating without their consent.

The way that things are going, I might have to turn Britain into one large penal colony.


The Millennium Dome, Holiday Camps and Telephone Boxes to be used as temporary prisons.

January 28, 2007

Desparate situations call for desparate measures. To ease the prison overcrowding, I have decided to commandeer the Millennium Dome and turn it into a prison for 800 inmates. The times people have referred to prisons as being holiday camps has given me my second idea, as holiday camps are only used during the holiday season May to September, I have decided to commandeer these for the months that they are not being used for holidays and turn them into prison camps. And, as the Tube Trains do not operate 24 hours a day, when they are not in use for commuters, I will commandeer them as temporary accommodation for prisoners. Finally, as most people now have mobile phones, telephone boxes stand empty most of the time and are not used for the purpose they were intended. Therefore, I have decided to cram three prisoners into every phone box in the country and have resolved the prison overcrowding crisis.


I come under sniper fire from NAPO and Guardian/Observer

December 31, 2006

It would appear that fugitives from the War on Terror are hiding out in the offices of the National Association of Probation Officers, and the offices of the gutter press owned by the Guardian and Observer. I say this because I have come under sniper fire from both quarters and it is obviously a political conspiracy to try and discredit me.

NAPO is upset because I claimed that it was not fit for purpose, and that I intended selling off parts of the Probation Service to the private sector to improve the performance for the benefit of the public. I based my claim on stating that nearly 60% of those on probation re-offended within 2 years. NAPO claims that the figure is 53%. In any event, that is nearly 60%! NAPO’s campaigning against the Offender Management Bill is an act of terrorism.

Today the Observer states “Scandal of killers in open jails”. It is the sort of headline grabbing one would expect from the Sun, not from a newspaper claiming to belong to the quality press. It is not a scandal for those convicted of murder and manslaughter to progress through the prison system and enter open prisons as part of their resettlement programme before they are released back into society. “High-risk inmates are absconding after being housed in ‘soft’ prisons against the wishes of probation officers and governors”. Only those inmates deemed to be a minimum risk to the public are housed in open prisons. Some do breach the trust by absconding. It is for me to decide where prisoners are located and not for probation officers and prison governors to dictate to me. It is true that because of the large scale overcrowding that more use is being made of open prisons, and that the risk assessments are being manipulated for this purpose. I did warn that this would happen if Gordon Brown did not give me the money I asked for to build 5 more prisons. It is not true to claim that “Hundreds of prisoners, including murderers and paedophiles, who have been assessed as posing a serious threat to the public, are being transferred to open prisons”. They have been assessed as posing an acceptable risk. Only the goal post have been moved for administrative convenience.

In my view, it is an act of treason for this Report to be compiled by probation officers and then leaked to the media. It is to be expected that Brian Caton, another suspected terrorist, and general secretary of the extreme militant Prison Officer’s Association, would jump on the bandwagon. If I had my way I would lock up Edward Garnier, the Conservative spokesman on home affairs, for saying that my handling of the Prison Service is like watching a train crash. I have seen the film Trainspotting, and there can be no paralell drawn between them. No wonder the Tories are in opposition, the silly old buffers!