Zero Tolerance

February 28, 2007

Yesterday, I spent an hour doing a webchat question and answer session on the 10 Downing Street website. I quite like the idea of confiscating the mobile phones of those caught using them whilst driving, but what I would really like to see is the power introduced to ban them from using mobile phones for life. We intend to start using roadside cameras to spot those using mobile phones, in addition to more sophisticated tracking devices to hunt down these perpetrators.

I have realised that we have not gone far enough with the idea of bringing down the age limit from 21 to 17 years, in relation to the 5 year maximum jail term for carrying a firearm. Therefore, it is my intention to lower the age to 10 years and double the maximum sentence to 10 years.

I quite like the American idea of “Zero Tolerance”. I intend to introduce a minimum 20 year prison sentence for crimes such as graffiti (perhaps even extended to cover blogging), and anti-social behaviour. However, whereas the American’s are soft with their three strikes and you are out rule, which derives from the game of baseball, our national sport is cricket and you hit the wicket once and you are out. Therefore I intend to introduce “stumped”, you get one go and that’s it!

Our plans are well under way to introduce both the biometric ID card and new biometric passport. These will have your fingerprint and iris scans, and everybody’s photo will be fed into a giant data base which anyone in authority can get immediate access to. This identity management is intended to protect the individual from such crimes as identity theft, for example, in credit card frauds. We intend to use foreigners as guinea pigs in our experiment and very quickly extend it to everybody else.


Osma bin Laden’s sidekick to be deported

February 27, 2007

There is cause for celebration in the Home Office, because the Special Immigration Appeals Commission (SIAC) threw out an appeal by the radical Muslim preacher Abu Qatada and I can deport him back to Jordan. I am particularly chuffed because it is a test that shows my anti-terror policy is working. As you all know, Abu Qatada poses a threat to our national security. The Memoranda of Understanding has been agreed with Jordan, and they have promised that they will safeguard the rights of Abu Qatada upon his return. All governments honour their promises, don’t they?

Qatada changed his name from Omar Mahoud Mohammed Otham, who we know is Osama bin Laden’s right hand man in Europe. If I could predict the future, I would say that Qatada’s plane might have to be diverted because of bad weather conditions and therefore have to land in Cuba. The CIA pilot will have radioed ahead and booked Qatada a room in the Guantanamo Bay Hotel.

Of course, Mr Justice Ouseley who reached his judgment in my favour will now be promoted to Lord Justice in recognition of his fine service to protecting the public from terrorists. It is immaterial that we were able to use evidence obtained by means of torture. As they say, no pain no gain!

BTW, the plans to split the Home Office up are going ahead and we will be starting the radical shake-up early next month.


Gordon Brown is a tightfisted Scotsman, etc.

February 18, 2007

I have been busy trying to obtain the £1.7bn I need to build 8,000 more prison places, and the £44,000 per prisoner per year which amounts to another £352m a year. Gordon is being a real pain in the arse and has frozen the Home Office budget for 3 years. This will mean that I will have to make cuts in the budgets for the police, probation and immigration services. I have managed to get planning permission for a new prison on Merseyside, and meanwhile I will use two wings of Ashworth mental hospital to house 350 prisoners. I have not yet managed to get the planning permission for the new prison to be built next to Belmarsh to house all the muslim terrorists we will arrest as soon as it is built.

I have reached agreement with other EU countries to accept those foreign prisoners that we will be repatriating without their consent.

The way that things are going, I might have to turn Britain into one large penal colony.


Plans about plans about plans and very little action…

January 21, 2007

Two things, not including Michael Howard, led me to think of the title for my article in the Sunday Telegraph today. The first was Bob the builder he can fix it yes he can, and it was the inspiration for “I can fix the problems…”. And, the second “but I need three years”, is how long I think it will take to make the Home Office fit for purpose. However, subconsciously, I was thinking about Tony and how long he might get for his part in the cash-for-peerages scandal when he gets sentenced.

As Michael Howard pointed out in last week’s Sunday Telegraph, it involved a great deal of hard work and long hours on his part to make a mess of his job as Home Secretary and the Home Office. When I came to this post, I identified that the problems go back to his tenure in 1997. Whereas crime went up under the Tories, it has fallen by 35% under New Labour according to how we interpret the statistics. Police numbers are at record levels and they are busy getting bogged down in paperwork and leaving policing the streets to the public. Asylum applications are at their lowest level since 1993, since we moved the goal posts and record these under a different heading. Thanks to David Blunkett the passport service is back on its feet and it is now like shopping at Tesco.

In July 2006, within 100 days of joining the Home Office, I published three reform plans setting out a route map, free of congestion charges, for the transformation of the Home Office. They included 8,000 more prison places (which Gordon Brown has scuppered), a 40% reduction in HQ staff by 2010 (we might not be in power by then), a commitment to making the Immigration and National Directorate an agency with a uniformed border staff and tough new powers. And in the seven months since then, we have delivered those plans. Real practical changes. But, this is not quite the same as saying we have delivered on those plans. This needs a bit more spin.

This transformation takes time. Nero said Rome wasn’t burnt in a day. As Issac Newton found in the Garden of Eden, if you shake an apple tree the odds are that a bad apple will fall. Every time I open a filing cabinet hidden failings and problems pop up. I keep saying to myself, discover, acknowledge, address and resolve. I have mastered the first and second, two out of three ain’t bad. I was not around when Michael Howard was responsible for creating the problems, but I take full responsibility for solving them. This would appear, if I fail, as though I am putting my head on a plate for David Davis…

I should not be judged on my past form in Transport, Health, and Defence, but on my present reform of the Home Office. As you know, Charlie Falconer has more titles than even Idi Amin gave himself, and because this reform gives him more power he is in support of my proposals. As a sideline, I have decided to open a dairy and move the sacred cows out of the Home Office and put them in a shed out at the back. No doubt some of them will wander off, and it maybe that we will be waiting until the cows come home for some of my reforms to take place.

Recently, the police have stepped up their dawn raids. Nothing must be ruled out if we are to properly protect the public and ensure that offenders are brought to justice and effectively punished for their crime.


UK ID card scheme

December 20, 2006

It has been claimed in the media that I have done a U Turn in relation to the UK ID card scheme. Rest assured, this man is not for turning. All that has changed is that instead of a massive single database to hold records for the national identity card scheme, it will be spread across the three existing IT systems because as everyone knows civil servants like everything to be in triplicate. Unfortunately, it will also mean that the taxpayers will bear the cost at a figure between two and four times the amount of a single system. Protecting the public is priceless, and nobody can argue that I am not doing something sensible.

I have announced proposals to force foreigners already in the UK to register their biometrics. This will initially be done by taking foreigners off the street and from their homes and places of work to police stations to have their fingerprints taken and have their iris scans. In due course, police on the street will have the necessary equipment and have the power to stop any foreign looking person and take their fingerprints and iris scans. It may be that a foreigner will be stopped twenty times a day, and subjected to an inconvenience, however, the equipment will pass the information onto the databases, and they will know if the data is already stored, and if so, it will reject the fresh input, in effect, the data is only collected once therefore it is only a minor inconvenience upon foreigners if it is an inconvenience at all. It is not being intrusive, at this moment in time, we do not have plans to conduct intimate body searches using vaseline and surgical gloves.

A consultation paper will be published in the New Year to seek the views of immigrants on my proposals. However, if they do not agree to them, it would be seen as being anti-British and an unBritish activity which may lead to arrest and detention. Therefore we are seeking their consent and approval for the measures which leave them no option but to agree to being forced or force will be applied. In the war on terror and immigration, we can leave no stone unturned to seek them out.

The UK ID card scheme will help to secure our borders and tackle illegal immigration, reduce the frauds they commit, fight other crimes and terrorism they commit, and improve protecting our children from them. No one who opposes the introduction of the identity card scheme can truly claim to treat subjects as seriously as they claim to do. Gordon Brown is proving to be a white elephant. Vote for me as Prime Minister. I believe in social justice for non-British, and British justice for the British. Together we will keep Britain safe.


My Home Office Improvements

December 12, 2006

I have completed my review, commissioned by 10 Downing Street, of the UK’s intelligence and anti-terror services, and it is now on Tony Blair’s desk. The review was promted by the August terror plot.

I have appeared before MPs on the Home Affairs Select Committee, to give evidence and a progress report on my troubled department. Whilst I am perfect, I admit that the Home Office is still far from perfect. I have instigated 20 changes of leadership within the department since May.

I have pleasure in announcing that asylum applications are down to their lowest level since 1993. And, that for the first three quarters of this year the Home Office has managed to remove more failed asylum seekers than the number making unfounded claims. 43 foreign criminals have been deported in the last 2 months. The figures for last week show a record number of deportations of foreign national prisoners at 88. We have made significant progress in border controls. This calls for celebrations all round! Senior staff within the Home office, and the Immigration and Nationality Directorate have not been paid bonuses.

Because I am a law unto myself, I intend to spend a little more time actually delivering, rather than passing laws.