February 28, 2007
Yesterday, I spent an hour doing a webchat question and answer session on the 10 Downing Street website. I quite like the idea of confiscating the mobile phones of those caught using them whilst driving, but what I would really like to see is the power introduced to ban them from using mobile phones for life. We intend to start using roadside cameras to spot those using mobile phones, in addition to more sophisticated tracking devices to hunt down these perpetrators.
I have realised that we have not gone far enough with the idea of bringing down the age limit from 21 to 17 years, in relation to the 5 year maximum jail term for carrying a firearm. Therefore, it is my intention to lower the age to 10 years and double the maximum sentence to 10 years.
I quite like the American idea of “Zero Tolerance”. I intend to introduce a minimum 20 year prison sentence for crimes such as graffiti (perhaps even extended to cover blogging), and anti-social behaviour. However, whereas the American’s are soft with their three strikes and you are out rule, which derives from the game of baseball, our national sport is cricket and you hit the wicket once and you are out. Therefore I intend to introduce “stumped”, you get one go and that’s it!
Our plans are well under way to introduce both the biometric ID card and new biometric passport. These will have your fingerprint and iris scans, and everybody’s photo will be fed into a giant data base which anyone in authority can get immediate access to. This identity management is intended to protect the individual from such crimes as identity theft, for example, in credit card frauds. We intend to use foreigners as guinea pigs in our experiment and very quickly extend it to everybody else.
February 27, 2007
There is cause for celebration in the Home Office, because the Special Immigration Appeals Commission (SIAC) threw out an appeal by the radical Muslim preacher Abu Qatada and I can deport him back to Jordan. I am particularly chuffed because it is a test that shows my anti-terror policy is working. As you all know, Abu Qatada poses a threat to our national security. The Memoranda of Understanding has been agreed with Jordan, and they have promised that they will safeguard the rights of Abu Qatada upon his return. All governments honour their promises, don’t they?
Qatada changed his name from Omar Mahoud Mohammed Otham, who we know is Osama bin Laden’s right hand man in Europe. If I could predict the future, I would say that Qatada’s plane might have to be diverted because of bad weather conditions and therefore have to land in Cuba. The CIA pilot will have radioed ahead and booked Qatada a room in the Guantanamo Bay Hotel.
Of course, Mr Justice Ouseley who reached his judgment in my favour will now be promoted to Lord Justice in recognition of his fine service to protecting the public from terrorists. It is immaterial that we were able to use evidence obtained by means of torture. As they say, no pain no gain!
BTW, the plans to split the Home Office up are going ahead and we will be starting the radical shake-up early next month.
February 22, 2007
This might be a good idea to pass a law in the UK to make it a criminal offence to insult members of the Labour government, I think a sentence of 5 years would be appropriate unless the insult was directed at me then I feel the sentence should be a minimum of 10 years.
February 20, 2007
Police are looking for this man who threatened a photographer with a double barrelled shotgun. He is suspected of being a war criminal. Anyone who knows his whereabouts should contact Yates of the Yard.
February 19, 2007
It’s official, the Home Office is to be disbanded. However, I will not be joining the dole queue as I will be the Minister for Homeland Security. I will oversee the police, the fight against terrorism and immigration. The new Minister for Justice will be responsible for prisons, probation and the courts. I wish the new Minister for Justice well as he tackles the prisons and I hope that he will ensure that enough places will be available for my intended tougher stance against asylum seekers, immigrants and terrorists.
February 18, 2007
I have been busy trying to obtain the £1.7bn I need to build 8,000 more prison places, and the £44,000 per prisoner per year which amounts to another £352m a year. Gordon is being a real pain in the arse and has frozen the Home Office budget for 3 years. This will mean that I will have to make cuts in the budgets for the police, probation and immigration services. I have managed to get planning permission for a new prison on Merseyside, and meanwhile I will use two wings of Ashworth mental hospital to house 350 prisoners. I have not yet managed to get the planning permission for the new prison to be built next to Belmarsh to house all the muslim terrorists we will arrest as soon as it is built.
I have reached agreement with other EU countries to accept those foreign prisoners that we will be repatriating without their consent.
The way that things are going, I might have to turn Britain into one large penal colony.