I come under sniper fire from NAPO and Guardian/Observer

December 31, 2006

It would appear that fugitives from the War on Terror are hiding out in the offices of the National Association of Probation Officers, and the offices of the gutter press owned by the Guardian and Observer. I say this because I have come under sniper fire from both quarters and it is obviously a political conspiracy to try and discredit me.

NAPO is upset because I claimed that it was not fit for purpose, and that I intended selling off parts of the Probation Service to the private sector to improve the performance for the benefit of the public. I based my claim on stating that nearly 60% of those on probation re-offended within 2 years. NAPO claims that the figure is 53%. In any event, that is nearly 60%! NAPO’s campaigning against the Offender Management Bill is an act of terrorism.

Today the Observer states “Scandal of killers in open jails”. It is the sort of headline grabbing one would expect from the Sun, not from a newspaper claiming to belong to the quality press. It is not a scandal for those convicted of murder and manslaughter to progress through the prison system and enter open prisons as part of their resettlement programme before they are released back into society. “High-risk inmates are absconding after being housed in ‘soft’ prisons against the wishes of probation officers and governors”. Only those inmates deemed to be a minimum risk to the public are housed in open prisons. Some do breach the trust by absconding. It is for me to decide where prisoners are located and not for probation officers and prison governors to dictate to me. It is true that because of the large scale overcrowding that more use is being made of open prisons, and that the risk assessments are being manipulated for this purpose. I did warn that this would happen if Gordon Brown did not give me the money I asked for to build 5 more prisons. It is not true to claim that “Hundreds of prisoners, including murderers and paedophiles, who have been assessed as posing a serious threat to the public, are being transferred to open prisons”. They have been assessed as posing an acceptable risk. Only the goal post have been moved for administrative convenience.

In my view, it is an act of treason for this Report to be compiled by probation officers and then leaked to the media. It is to be expected that Brian Caton, another suspected terrorist, and general secretary of the extreme militant Prison Officer’s Association, would jump on the bandwagon. If I had my way I would lock up Edward Garnier, the Conservative spokesman on home affairs, for saying that my handling of the Prison Service is like watching a train crash. I have seen the film Trainspotting, and there can be no paralell drawn between them. No wonder the Tories are in opposition, the silly old buffers!


UK ID card scheme

December 20, 2006

It has been claimed in the media that I have done a U Turn in relation to the UK ID card scheme. Rest assured, this man is not for turning. All that has changed is that instead of a massive single database to hold records for the national identity card scheme, it will be spread across the three existing IT systems because as everyone knows civil servants like everything to be in triplicate. Unfortunately, it will also mean that the taxpayers will bear the cost at a figure between two and four times the amount of a single system. Protecting the public is priceless, and nobody can argue that I am not doing something sensible.

I have announced proposals to force foreigners already in the UK to register their biometrics. This will initially be done by taking foreigners off the street and from their homes and places of work to police stations to have their fingerprints taken and have their iris scans. In due course, police on the street will have the necessary equipment and have the power to stop any foreign looking person and take their fingerprints and iris scans. It may be that a foreigner will be stopped twenty times a day, and subjected to an inconvenience, however, the equipment will pass the information onto the databases, and they will know if the data is already stored, and if so, it will reject the fresh input, in effect, the data is only collected once therefore it is only a minor inconvenience upon foreigners if it is an inconvenience at all. It is not being intrusive, at this moment in time, we do not have plans to conduct intimate body searches using vaseline and surgical gloves.

A consultation paper will be published in the New Year to seek the views of immigrants on my proposals. However, if they do not agree to them, it would be seen as being anti-British and an unBritish activity which may lead to arrest and detention. Therefore we are seeking their consent and approval for the measures which leave them no option but to agree to being forced or force will be applied. In the war on terror and immigration, we can leave no stone unturned to seek them out.

The UK ID card scheme will help to secure our borders and tackle illegal immigration, reduce the frauds they commit, fight other crimes and terrorism they commit, and improve protecting our children from them. No one who opposes the introduction of the identity card scheme can truly claim to treat subjects as seriously as they claim to do. Gordon Brown is proving to be a white elephant. Vote for me as Prime Minister. I believe in social justice for non-British, and British justice for the British. Together we will keep Britain safe.


Saudi style justice

December 16, 2006

This is a personal comment, and not government policy, but I would love nothing more than to chop off the ears and hands of those who use mobile phones whilst driving. That is, implement a Saudi style of justice. However, we have to be more moderate. Still, I will be introducing new legislation in the New Year, namely, manslaughter charges to cover those who kill someone whilst driving and using no hands free mobile phones.

Another area which concerns me, is the amount of people who do not believe that a red light at traffic lights means stop. Too often drivers are ignoring this and putting others road users at risk. I intend to introduce legislation in the New Year, for a maximum ten year jail sentence for those who cause a crash by jumping a red light.


My Home Office Improvements

December 12, 2006

I have completed my review, commissioned by 10 Downing Street, of the UK’s intelligence and anti-terror services, and it is now on Tony Blair’s desk. The review was promted by the August terror plot.

I have appeared before MPs on the Home Affairs Select Committee, to give evidence and a progress report on my troubled department. Whilst I am perfect, I admit that the Home Office is still far from perfect. I have instigated 20 changes of leadership within the department since May.

I have pleasure in announcing that asylum applications are down to their lowest level since 1993. And, that for the first three quarters of this year the Home Office has managed to remove more failed asylum seekers than the number making unfounded claims. 43 foreign criminals have been deported in the last 2 months. The figures for last week show a record number of deportations of foreign national prisoners at 88. We have made significant progress in border controls. This calls for celebrations all round! Senior staff within the Home office, and the Immigration and Nationality Directorate have not been paid bonuses.

Because I am a law unto myself, I intend to spend a little more time actually delivering, rather than passing laws.


Being a professional, I am outraged at being called an amateur by a human rights lawyer!

December 11, 2006

I have suffered a blistering attack in the December issue of Inside Time – The National newspaper for prisoners, by Clive Stafford Smith, who is described as a human rights lawyer. What about my human rights not to feel offended? He attacks the Queen’s speech, which is not very patriotic, considering he is described as being British-born. Just aswell, because I would be very tempted to deport him had he been an alien. I might consider locking him up in the Bloody Tower for his treason! It is not true that the government’s programme is “choc-a-bloc with unwise ideas about criminal justice”. I know this, because I am one of the Three Wise Men in British politics today. This so-called human rights lawyer would be in the dole queue if it wasn’t for our government bringing in the Human Rights Act (1998). He claims that it is wrong for us to focus on victims rights, and accuses us of importing the idea from America. He forgets that if it was not for the American intervention in World War 2, he might be living under the jackboot today! Of course I am not in favour of criminals challenging their convictions by way of judicial review. They are guilty of being criminals. He is wrong to say that we are copying the Bush administration’s assault on Habeas Corpus. We followed their attack upon Iraq, but I have so far not been able to find the country of Habeas Corpus on any map, so it cannot exist. Clive Stafford Smith launched this attack upon me as he was delivering the annual Longford Lecture. That old paedophile who was the friend of Maria Hindley, who is he to lecture anybody? Clive Stafford Smith is mistaken to dismiss me as a dabbler without the experience to oversee the criminal justice system. I am a professional, and cannot be under qualified. Trust me, I am a doctor! I am not meant to be running the Home Office, I do run the Home Office. It is nonsense to say that I am really out there trying to get elected. I am already an elected MP. It is right that I have condemned my predecessors as being incompetent, Michael Howard was not fit for purpose. None of my staff are dysfunctional, they can all read and write. The obvious sign that I know what I am doing is that Tony Blair appointed me to office. None of my staff have complained to me that they are dispirited and that their morale is low because I have loyalty to the next election. I am looking forward to being Prime Minister.


Highly likely that there will be a terrorist attack over Xmas

December 10, 2006

I am convinced that it is highly likely that there will be a terrorist attack over Christmas. Security Services have warned me that the chief suspect, King Herod, is planning mass infanticide. The IRA said that we have to be lucky all the time, they had only to be lucky once. I am being totally original when I say that the terrorists only have to get through once. Our security services have to be successful on every occasion to prevent that happening. Let it not be said that I am using IRA words as a scare tactic. The climate of fear is real because I have created it. I try to walk the tightrope between being truthful and honest. I have it on good authority, none less than Dame Eliza Dolittle-Mainwaring-Bullshit, head of MI5, about the rising threat. This is not another dodgy document. We have stirred up a right hornet’s nest by invading Iraq for the oil.


Solving the prison overcrowding crisis

December 9, 2006

I plan to relocate people living on the Isle of Wight to the mainland, and turn the island into Britain’s Alcatraz. The island will be renamed and become Vectis. My idea is to close down all prisons on the mainland and transfer the prisoners to Vectis. There will be no prison guards anymore, however, there will be marine patrols of the Solent. Their orders will be to operate a shoot to kill policy upon swimmers in case they are escapees from Vectis. The prisoners will have to become self sufficient. Their relatives will be relocated to Vectis, and those people relocated from the Isle of Wight will take possession of their properties. Anyone not completely satisfied with their relocation to the mainland will receive compensation to offset any loss they have incurred. Even though there will be no prison guards anymore, there will still be contracts offered to private security firms to transport prisoners from the courts to Vectis.